This is Why

All of my life, I have carried rhetorical questions around on my shoulders like a yoke:

Why did my parents resent that I was not a boy and repeatedly set me up for shame and rejection when I was young?

Why was I born with bipolar disorder?

Why did my husband not love me?

Why have I not been able to support myself with my God-given talents?

Why was I not appreciated by my co-workers and managers during my 22-year career and forced to retire in disgrace?

I now know why.

Had I not been raised with neglect and abuse, I would not have needed the kind of spiritual healing that has turned me into a ward of Jesus.

Had I not suffered with mental illness, I would not have the patience and understanding I now have for others who suffer in such a way.

Had I not been left to raise two babies on my own, I would not be as strong as I am now or as compassionate toward other single mothers.  Had I remained married, I would probably not have sought reconciliation with God.  Had I built the dream we shared, I would be selling a business now, not living alone, writing, praying, blessing, and consoling others.

Had I been successful selling my photography, paintings, and writing, I would not be selling my home now, moving to a 60-year-old house trailer, and seeing life on ground level with other people who struggle day in and day out, figuring out ways to buy gas and feed the animals.

Had I been supported and encouraged by others in my career, I probably would be retired in a year and a half from a high level government position, not poor and not focused on doing ‘God work.’

I know what it is like to be abused and neglected…and to abuse and neglect. I know what it is like to look back on my life with guilt and horror.  I know what it is like to be lost, confused, and full of anger, doubt, and resentment.  I know what it is like to fail.  I know what it is like to look to God and imagine Him turning His back…looking remarkably like someone else I knew when I was a child.  I know what it is like to want to die by my own hand.

I know what it is like…to live this life before the afterlife.

And that is why.

6 thoughts on “This is Why

  1. Kitsy, good to know you’ve allowed the Holy Spirit to lead your “whys” into productive fruit.
    As for me, I don’t ask “why.” I simply pray to be allowed to embody the fruit of the Spirit, and to let the light and love of Jesus shines through me.

    We’re about the same age and I can empathize with some of your experiences. I take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. It’s a lifelong journey, my sister, and He won’t be complete with us until we get to hug Him face to face.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t help but cry while reading this. Things happen indeed for a reason. Why did I get pregnant at 21? When I’m just starting with life and still have siblings to support? Because God wants to give me a purpose driven life – to love selflessly, to be inspired (by a child), to do more than what I know and to probably understand my parents because i lived in remorse for them not being able to provide, only to find that they also didn’t have enough. God bless your soul.

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  3. If you had asked me “why” when I was younger and in the midst of a valley, there’s no way I could’ve told you. Now, 30 something years later, I’ve seen the faithfulness of my good Father and although He didn’t cause the circumstances that created my “valley”, He used EVERY single bit of it for good because that’s who He is. I’m in another valley season now and being able to see His goodness from before, give me hope and faith for where I am now!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmm. There’s not a enough time for ALL of it, but here’s a 3,000 ft. view.

        This past year for me God asked me to leave my dream job at my church because my identity was wrapped up in it. Financially it did not make sense and we’ve had to trust God in new ways. By the way, He’s shown up everything.

        But more recently, this past month has been a huge whirlwind of crazy health problems that have seemed to come from nowhere. He’s redeeming so much for me in the process of getting well, but the walk has been rough. I’m currently awaiting resolutions and am ready to have some normalcy back, but even in this, He’s been faithful. Thanks for the support!

        Liked by 1 person

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