I would like to relate an email ‘conversation’ I had today. Because this is MY blog, I will initialize the names to annoy the guilty.
OG: Can you guest post on my blog? I love your writing.
me: Tell me more about your blog…and you.
OG: I blog about cats and dogs and how we can gain certain truths from studying them. I am a 27 year old living in Texas. What about you?
me: How would my subject matter (observations about life, Jesus, faith, etc.) fit on a site about dogs and cats? Granted, I have learned a great deal about life by tending to my two ‘family members:’ Stella, my elderly dog, and Tubbs, my black cat. Would you send me the url of your blog so I may see it? By the way, I live in Upstate South Carolina (a poor part of a poor state) and I am 60 years old.
OG: Simply talking about your dog and cat and how you’ve learned from them would be perfect. Are you lying to me about where you live? It’s okay if you don’t care to share, you just seem like you’re lying.
(If I weren’t on my guard before then…and I was…I was more so, now.)
me: No dear, I’m not lying. I have recently moved from Asheville, North Carolina to Anderson, South Carolina. I was born in Charleston, South Carolina. I worked for the Federal Government in Asheville for 22 years. Why would I be lying?
OG: Who you callin’ dear? I’m 72! What was your work for the government like? I just kind of felt like you were lying. I trust you now.
(Caution flags are going up…)
me: Wait a minute, (OG), who is lying to whom? You told me you were 27. I’m tempted to tell you that I worked for ATF.
OG: Oh, that is humorous, I’m so sorry. I looked back and now see what you mean. I typed the numbers in the wrong order… Big difference. I’m sorry. Did you work for ATF? I worked for the FBI back in ’66.
(Caution deepens to alert; that ‘accidental’ misrepresentation seems out-of-character for a former employee of the FBI.)
me: No, I did not work for the ATF, although the FBI wanted to hire me in 1980. I was working for the NWS in Ann Arbor, MI on the same floor as the FBI. Because I looked like I could easily fit in on the university campus, they wanted to hire me as an agent to keep an eye on certain students. I was a physical scientist/systems analyst/ programmer in climate science for 22 years.
(At this point, I was no longer interested in continuing with the conversation, so I did not ask for any more information and deleted the message. He persisted…)
OG: That’s some amazing stuff. I was actually born in Michigan to Julie Grantham and Katie Grantham. I lived there for my first twelve years as a human. Did you consider doing the college campus thing?
(What was he before his first 12 years, a slug?)
me: No. They required that I carry a gun and I don’t do guns. (Then I asked…) Julie and Katie?
OG: I’m sorry, don’t do guns? Did you not want to carry a gun? Oh dear! My son got me this device for my last birthday and it never types quite right. Their names were Julian and Katie. That would have been odd!
(Somehow, I just don’t buy his “my son got me this device” excuse. But, he hooked me on the gun thing…I am ashamed to admit.)
me: I’ve never owned a gun nor have I ever had a gun in my house. (Getting tired of this but wanting to flush him out…) You have not shared you blog address.
OG: I don’t have a blog. (Big surprise.) I respect that. I think we have a right to guns, and I right (sic) to shoot out fellow man if they’re being annoying.
(picking myself up off the floor…)
me: So you lied about your blog about dogs and cats. “shoot my fellow man for being annoying” ?!? I won’t shoot you but I do have a right to block your emails “for being annoying.” I hereby exercise that right…
(OG is now ‘spam.’)