Jesus, I’m tired

My neighbor spent two months in rehab;  within seconds of arriving back home he is chain smoking and drinking…again.  A fellow blogger who sees himself as a prophet, complains about the church and its pastors, criticises people for their self-absorption, writes primarily about himself, says we need heroes… and leaves it there; no mention of You.  I’m stressed out so my physical therapist asks me what my opinion is on guns.  I tell my doctor about specific symptoms; she says it is an indication of a serious infection…but since I am not running a fever, “ignore it.” Passwords aren’t working; medical records are lost; Medical office staff say,”have a nice day” but fail to  print or provide the prescriptions, orders, or records that I now have to drive back across town to pick up.  I listen to You and pass along what You say but 10% of my followers read it and fewer than that ‘like’ it.  No one passes it along.  I’m walking 5000-12000 steps a day, doing strength and resistance training daily, eating 1200-2000 calories a day, drinking water, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, no simple carbs, but I have lost less than 2 lbs in 4 months and now have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar.  Things ordered never arrive.  People insist on their right to hate.  Loved ones spend hours playing games on their phones or computers but refuse to read what I write.  Friends complain about their situation but don’t make the calls or take the steps to fix or change anything…after I have done all of the research for them and have written it all out.

Why?

Why is it I end up working harder than the people I am trying to help?  Since I am the common denominator, clearly I am the one doing something wrong here.

There’s a lot of name calling I could do and, while it would be accurate, it would not help matters.  So, Jesus, now I lay me down for a nap.  When I get up, I’ll check in to see what you have for me.

16 thoughts on “Jesus, I’m tired

  1. Oh, Kitsy.
    All we can ever, ever do, sweet friend, is plant seeds. We cannot predict the soil (Mark 4:3-20), and we must remember God is the Gardener. We can only be responsible for our relationship with Him one day at a time. And yes, we must also allow Him to lead us to green meadows, to still waters, to restore our soul.
    Love you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dearest. I’m being hounded by discouragement but also realize that I am beating my head against a wall…which seems to be only affecting me.

      Like

        1. There are many levels of ‘giving up.’ I have already given up on ‘my life.’ I have already given up on ‘the church.’ I will never give up on Jesus. But there is much in between that just may be pointless and too late to do.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Kitsy, Your post really touched me. I used to think it was all up to me to fix the world and those around me. Then I understood that giving it all to Jesus meant just that…..to give it ALL. It was not up to me to “fix” those around me, I am only to be faithful and show them Jesus – the rest is up to Him. I am only the tour guide and not the exhibit. I still like to pick the job of “fixer” back up every now and then, then I realize how exhausting and spiritually draining it is when I try to do Someone elses job. I am not sure if this rambling makes any sense at all. I am encouraging you to keep doing what you are doing when you blog and encourage others in their journey by pointing to the One who fixes everything in His time. Even if only one person “likes” it or comments….even if no one “likes” or comments you are still being faithful and that is what we are all called to do – be faithful. Thank you for being faithful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dear. That helps me cry. I related to another encourager that while I gave up on my life last year and have also given up on the church, I am hoping to remain faithful, as you say, and not give up on Jesus.

      I lay down to my nap tired and woke from my nap angry and ill-tempered. There are about 6 or 7 people that I would love to let ‘have it.’ Instead, I work on my photography, sing hymns to myself, and tend to my animals and birds. Jesus pats my back in understanding comfort. He, too, knows discouragement. I have been casting pearls before common, everyday people. If I just saw a glimmer of difference it has made…

      That sounds familiar, Biblically, doesn’t it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand this. I had some moments myself yesterday wondering why? Some moments I find no purpose. I’m on a truck, cut off from life. What’s the point? God reminds me that He has the plan…not me.

    I admire you ability to be real. A dear friend yesterday told me I should try being real…ouch, kinda. You share all of you with us (your readers) your highs your lows, your prayers and your tears. That takes an extremely strong woman…and that you are.

    You have the strength to stand in obedience to God even when it’s tough and seemingly not in you favor.

    You have the strength to keep going even when it’s tough.

    Keep your chin up. You are sewing lasting seeds. Patiently water and cultivate. You may not get to see the results but God does and your life is all for his glory!

    Stay strong my friend and praise on!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dearest. I am grateful for this: right now, I have very little to lose. My children have all but abandoned me; I no longer feel the need to convince anyone of anything (art, photography, writing, career, science, faith, mental stability, …) I have nothing to prove. I don’t care if anyone likes me or what I say or do. I don’t care if I am right or wrong. I write what comes to me to write. I take pictures of what I like. I tend to my animals and my birds. Beyond that, I don’t much care. I love Jesus and I’m ready to go at a moment’s notice.

      And you are real, dear

      Some people frost me.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I would tell you to “fear not,” but…
          1) I am not an angel of the Lord
          2) that would be trivializing your thoughts and feelings…your fear
          3) it’s not my place.

          I don’t like knowing others suffer as I have in ways I have been able to shed. But I cannot live your life anymore than I can live my children’s lives…or the lives of my neighbors. I’m struggling to live my own life.

          I’ll tell you what’s true, though. I’m dog tired of struggle. This struggle of trying to get others to make better decisions…that goes nowhere. The struggle to overcome my demons and end up losing the fight. The struggle between good and evil, light and dark. I don’t know who to trust…who to listen to. Everything I see and read has an element of deceit to it.

          So, for now, I’m going to sit in my little trailer and stay in touch with Jesus because if I am in error trusting in Him, it’s all over, anyway.

          Liked by 1 person

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