I was in a bad place last night. I had gotten whipped up emotionally in what I was wanting to pass on in my blogs, was frustrated because I struggled to convey clearly what I had received, and then had several interactions with people during the day that went sour. Driving home last night with the top down on my car, I had to admit to Jesus that He is the only One for whom I don’t have to adjust my personality…the only One who appreciates me just the way I am and Who welcomes what I have to give. I am too direct, intense, or ‘real’ for everyone else. My brother is able to accept me but advises me to ‘turn it down’ for everyone else. I have nearly ruined 2 of his business relationships recently because of my ‘corporate’ voice; I need to learn how to lighten up, joke, and say, “yeeeuuup.” like the locals..
The ‘being whipped up’ and then ‘feeling the down side of that’ dances way too close to bipolar mood swinging. (Please God, don’t let me take that demon back. I am doing so well without it.)
In all honesty, if it weren’t for my relationship with Jesus, I would be totally alone. Please take this the right way but I am often having to adjust my sensibilities for people . No one wants to hear what I know about anything: God, talking to Jesus, science, quantum physics, the government, hate, racism, global warming, …even thunderstorm downbursts. No one around me, family included, knows or even understands what I did when I worked for the government; none of my family and very few of my friends read my writing; people that I have offered paintings to don’t even care to see them and don’t even bother to respond and say “no, thank you,” much less “yes, thank you.”
Why did God give me intelligence, quick thinking, keen insight, and artistic talent if no one wants it? Is it truly just for Him? and me? My paintings are stacked in storage and staged down my hall waiting to be bunched up on my walls. My writings dry up on my hard drive or are sent out into the internet ether…received by 5 maybe 6 viewers; liked by 2 or 3. I implore tech support ‘experts’ to help me with Trojans and malware only to discover they know a fraction of what I do about my computer and their software. Half the time they hang up on me. Why?
I ‘get’ why I have received the disappointments, neglect, and abuse in my life; I understand the wisdom of God developing ‘wounded healers.’ But what is the purpose of my having knowledge, wisdom, and talents that nobody wants? God doesn’t need it; He invented it. I don’t understand. Somebody help me…what good can I glean from being totally useless to friends and family, irrelevant in conversation, and more than is necessary or wanted by the world? I am sincere in my query.
And, yes, I realize this is a demon which I must check at the door.
(BTW, I pulled this photo from a post I wrote over a year ago on my blog, Turning 60. Most of that blog deals with identifying and getting rid of my life’s demons. The blog starts with A Little Late Getting Started , goes through Forgiving my Childhood , A Reversal of Fortune, My Addictions, Starting Over , and I Have Exceeded My Welcome (which sounds remarkably like what I have just written. I guess I have not travelled very far after all.) This picture comes from the one titled, Blessed Are the Poor in Spirit.)