What I am Afraid Of

I will start with what I am Not afraid of.

I am not afraid of spiders; my young son was, so I learned very quickly how to smash one without a moment’s thought.  I was afraid of snakes but I’ve learned to be watchful and to differentiate between the good ones and the bad ones.  A ‘good’ 6-foot black rat snake lived in this trailer before I did.  Thankfully, he was encouraged to vacate and now I hope he is outside keeping the copperheads away from my door.

I am not afraid of the dark…I used to be.  I am not afraid to be alone…I used to be.  I once was afraid of pain and suffering but I have experienced both and I have not been destroyed by either.  I am no longer afraid to fly.  I am still not keen on amusement rides but they don’t scare me as much as make me sick.  I was afraid of destitution and ending up on the streets.  I have come close and now believe if I were to end up on the streets, it would be temporary.  I have faced the prospect of prison but believe I could endure even that, if I had to.  Finally, I am not afraid of death.

What I am afraid of is divine accountability.  I am afraid of standing before God and being informed that I could have tried harder…that I could have done more, said more, and helped more.  I am afraid to find out that I have been lax, remiss, and that my efforts have been found wanting.  I am afraid to find out that I got it all wrong and that I have caused more harm than good.

For the first 58.9 years of my life, I worked for my own agenda.  I worked to further my career, my professional reputation, my influence on management, my art, my writing, my appearance,… Then, I worked to promote and support the success and well-being of my children, their health, their education, their careers, their creativity,…  Then, I lost it all.  When I did, I gave up on my agenda.  I gave away 85% of my artwork, deleted much of my writing, destroyed remnants of my professional career, …

At some point between then and now, I began working to support God’s agenda.  I’m not sure when and how the transition actually took place but here I am.  However, I have a lot of time to make up for…a lot of catching up to do… and a lot of repair work to undo the harm I did while working for me.  I feel I have learned the lessons I was intended to learn in this life but I hope the work I am doing now is helpful enough for God to think it worth while to leave me here for a bit longer.

When I do stand before God, I will have to make an accounting for those 58.9 years.  That will not be fun.  I pray He will forgive me my debts, as I forgive my debtors.  I have worked on that.  I pray that from here on out, He will lead me not into temptation and will deliver me from evil, for His is the Kingdom, the power, and the Glory.



2 thoughts on “What I am Afraid Of

  1. Fortunately Kitsy, we have a most loving and merciful God who loves us more than we can humanly or possibly reason. Like me and the rest of humanity, we will all fall short. Our hope is in the Lord! Be not afraid!


  2. This i an awesome post and reminds us of what is really important. Right now, you and I have so much in common. From the living on the streets and losing everything to the place where we are now. II am not even afraid of doing everything for His glory anymore because I cannot even do that without Him. Stay strong and know that He even knows that.


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