I will start with what I am Not afraid of.
I am not afraid of spiders; my young son was, so I learned very quickly how to smash one without a moment’s thought. I was afraid of snakes but I’ve learned to be watchful and to differentiate between the good ones and the bad ones. A ‘good’ 6-foot black rat snake lived in this trailer before I did. Thankfully, he was encouraged to vacate and now I hope he is outside keeping the copperheads away from my door.
I am not afraid of the dark…I used to be. I am not afraid to be alone…I used to be. I once was afraid of pain and suffering but I have experienced both and I have not been destroyed by either. I am no longer afraid to fly. I am still not keen on amusement rides but they don’t scare me as much as make me sick. I was afraid of destitution and ending up on the streets. I have come close and now believe if I were to end up on the streets, it would be temporary. I have faced the prospect of prison but believe I could endure even that, if I had to. Finally, I am not afraid of death.
What I am afraid of is divine accountability. I am afraid of standing before God and being informed that I could have tried harder…that I could have done more, said more, and helped more. I am afraid to find out that I have been lax, remiss, and that my efforts have been found wanting. I am afraid to find out that I got it all wrong and that I have caused more harm than good.
For the first 58.9 years of my life, I worked for my own agenda. I worked to further my career, my professional reputation, my influence on management, my art, my writing, my appearance,… Then, I worked to promote and support the success and well-being of my children, their health, their education, their careers, their creativity,… Then, I lost it all. When I did, I gave up on my agenda. I gave away 85% of my artwork, deleted much of my writing, destroyed remnants of my professional career, …
At some point between then and now, I began working to support God’s agenda. I’m not sure when and how the transition actually took place but here I am. However, I have a lot of time to make up for…a lot of catching up to do… and a lot of repair work to undo the harm I did while working for me. I feel I have learned the lessons I was intended to learn in this life but I hope the work I am doing now is helpful enough for God to think it worth while to leave me here for a bit longer.
When I do stand before God, I will have to make an accounting for those 58.9 years. That will not be fun. I pray He will forgive me my debts, as I forgive my debtors. I have worked on that. I pray that from here on out, He will lead me not into temptation and will deliver me from evil, for His is the Kingdom, the power, and the Glory.