What I am Afraid Of

I will start with what I am Not afraid of.

I am not afraid of spiders; my young son was, so I learned very quickly how to smash one without a moment’s thought.  I was afraid of snakes but I’ve learned to be watchful and to differentiate between the good ones and the bad ones.  A ‘good’ 6-foot black rat snake lived in this trailer before I did.  Thankfully, he was encouraged to vacate and now I hope he is outside keeping the copperheads away from my door.

I am not afraid of the dark…I used to be.  I am not afraid to be alone…I used to be.  I once was afraid of pain and suffering but I have experienced both and I have not been destroyed by either.  I am no longer afraid to fly.  I am still not keen on amusement rides but they don’t scare me as much as make me sick.  I was afraid of destitution and ending up on the streets.  I have come close and now believe if I were to end up on the streets, it would be temporary.  I have faced the prospect of prison but believe I could endure even that, if I had to.  Finally, I am not afraid of death.

What I am afraid of is divine accountability.  I am afraid of standing before God and being informed that I could have tried harder…that I could have done more, said more, and helped more.  I am afraid to find out that I have been lax, remiss, and that my efforts have been found wanting.  I am afraid to find out that I got it all wrong and that I have caused more harm than good.

For the first 58.9 years of my life, I worked for my own agenda.  I worked to further my career, my professional reputation, my influence on management, my art, my writing, my appearance,… Then, I worked to promote and support the success and well-being of my children, their health, their education, their careers, their creativity,…  Then, I lost it all.  When I did, I gave up on my agenda.  I gave away 85% of my artwork, deleted much of my writing, destroyed remnants of my professional career, …

At some point between then and now, I began working to support God’s agenda.  I’m not sure when and how the transition actually took place but here I am.  However, I have a lot of time to make up for…a lot of catching up to do… and a lot of repair work to undo the harm I did while working for me.  I feel I have learned the lessons I was intended to learn in this life but I hope the work I am doing now is helpful enough for God to think it worth while to leave me here for a bit longer.

When I do stand before God, I will have to make an accounting for those 58.9 years.  That will not be fun.  I pray He will forgive me my debts, as I forgive my debtors.  I have worked on that.  I pray that from here on out, He will lead me not into temptation and will deliver me from evil, for His is the Kingdom, the power, and the Glory.

Amen.